You were too short
You had bad skin
You couldn’t talk to them very well
Words didn’t seem to work
They lied when they came out of your mouth
You tried so hard to understand the others
You wanted to be part of what was happening
You saw them having fun
Seemed like such a mystery
Almost magic
You thought that there was something wrong with you
You would look in the mirror trying to find the flaw
You thought that you were ugly
And that everybody was looking at you
So you learned to be invisible
To look down
To avoid conversation
The weekend nights
Alone
Where were you,
The basement, the attic, your room?
Working some job?
Just to have something to do?
Just to have a place to put yourself?
Just to have a way to get away from them
Staying away from the ones
That made you feel so strange
And ill at ease inside yourself
You sat & wondered if you would go or not
For hours you imagined what might transpire
If they would laugh at you
If you would know what to do
If you would have the right things on
If they would notice that you came from a different planet
Did you get all brave in your thoughts
Like you were going to be able to go in there
Deal with it & have a great time?
Did you think that you might be the “life of the party?”
That all these people were going to talk to you
And you would find out that you were wrong
And that you had a lot of friends
And you weren’t so strange after all?
Did you end up going?
Did they mess with you?
Did they single you out?
Did you find out that you got invited
Because they thought you were so weird?
I think I know you
A hate that was as pure as sunshine
A hate that saw for miles
A hate that kept you up at night
A hate the filled your every waking moment
A hate that carried you for a long time
Yes, I think I know you
Home was not home
Your room was home
A corner was home
Anywhere they weren’t
That was home
I know you
You’re sensitive
You hide it
You fear getting stepped on one more time
It seems that when you show a part of yourself
That is the least bit vulnerable
Someone takes advantage of you
One of them steps on you
They mistake kindness for weakness
But you know the difference
You’ve been the brunt of their weakness for years
Strength is something you know a bit about
You had to be strong to keep yourself alive
You know yourself very well now
You don’t trust people
You know them too well
You try to find a special person
Someone you can be with
Someone you can touch
Someone you can talk to
Someone you won’t feel so strange around
You found that they don’t really exist
You feel closer to people on movie screens
Yea, I think I know you
People have made comment to that effect
Telling you that you’re self involved & self centered
But they don’t know, do they
About the long night shifts alone
About the years of keeping yourself company
All the nights you wrapped your arms around yourself
So you could imagine someone holding you
The hours of indecision
Self doubt
The intense depression
The blinding hate
The rage that made you stagger
The devastation of rejection
Well, maybe they do know
But if they do
They sure do a good job of hiding it
How they seem to pass thru life
As if life itself was some divine gift
It infuriates you to watch yourself
With your apparent skill in finding every way possible
To screw it up
For you life is a long trip
Terrifying & wonderful
Birds sing to you at night
The rain & the sun
The changing seasons are true friends
Solitude is a hard won ally
Faithful & patient
Yes I think I know you
By Henry Rollins from “Black Coffee Blues”
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